The Rebel Within

I’ve always been a bit of a rebel. I don't really like being told what to do. Actually, that's probably an understatement. I have a deep dislike of being controlled, manipulated or conditioned into doing something simply because someone else says that's the way it should be. This is my rebel within.

Marketing can bring this out in me. Advertising, systems, structures, rules and expectations can all bring it out in me. And sometimes, hilariously, I even do it to myself. I'll put something in my calendar, set a reminder, and when it pops up I'll think, “Don't tell me what to do.” To my own calendar! It's ridiculous.

And yet, there is something underneath the ridiculousness that feels important.

I value freedom deeply. Freedom of choice. Freedom of thought. Freedom of lifestyle. Freedom to question. Freedom to choose my own path. It's one of the reasons I love running my own business. I love being my own boss and creating my own days. I am, at heart, a free spirit. A passionate hippy. A bit of an anarchist.

But what is interesting, I also love deeply. I care about people. I care about the trees, the oceans, the Earth and our beautiful, messy humanity. I've spent the past thirteen years consciously working on opening my heart to unconditional love. So how do these two parts of me coexist?

The free spirit with the wife? The business owner with the person who doesn't want to participate in the rules of business? Perhaps the answer isn't to choose one over the other. Perhaps it's to embrace the whole of who you are.

I've learnt that resistance isn't always something we need to overcome. Sometimes resistance is information. Sometimes it tells us, “Something here doesn't feel aligned.” Sometimes it says, “I need more choice.” And sometimes resistance is simply our conditioning, our old patterns, our fear or our need to maintain control. The work, for me, is learning the difference.

Because freedom doesn't mean I never have commitments. It doesn't mean I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a business owner. I have clients, commitments, bills, appointments and responsibilities. And I choose these things because I care. Because I love. Because there are people and things in this world that matter deeply to me.

I've learnt how to surrender to God, to the Universe, to life and to myself. But surrendering to another person, another role, another responsibility, another person's beliefs or another way of doing things? That's much harder. My rebel rises up and says, “Don't tell me what to do.”

But i know that surrender isn't the same as submission. Surrender is simply saying, “I don't have to fight everything.” I can question. I can disagree. I can maintain my sovereignty. And I can still participate. I can still love. I can still show up. I can still do what needs to be done.

Yin and yang. Light and dark. Masculine and feminine. Doing and being. Freedom and responsibility. Rebellion and leadership. Perhaps we don't need to resolve the tension. Perhaps we need to learn how to hold it. I can be the rebel and the leader. The anarchist and the loving, present mother. The free spirit and the grounded human being who keeps her commitments.

There is a part of me that longs for a better world. A more peaceful, harmonious world where we lead from love rather than fear, where people aren't manipulated into belonging, and where nobody is left behind. I love the idea of Ohana from Lilo & Stitch — no one is forgotten, no one is left behind. And I think that's the crux of my rebellion.

I see people being left behind. I see suffering, disconnection and our beautiful Earth being treated as though it is separate from us. And something inside me says, “This isn't how it has to be.”

That is my fire. That is my passion. That is the rebel in me. And maybe I don't need to extinguish that fire. Maybe I need to learn how to tend it. To use it consciously. To let it illuminate rather than burn. To fight for peace, rather than fight against everything.

The light. The shadow. The rebel. The lover. The leader. The free spirit. And then choosing, moment by moment, how we want to show up in the world.

Where does resistance show up in your life?

What is my resistance trying to tell me?

What would it feel like to honour this part of myself instead of judging it?

Where could I surrender without giving away my power?

Perhaps surrender isn't giving yourself away. Perhaps true surrender is coming home to yourself so deeply that you no longer need to fight everything that isn't yours. You simply know what is, what isn't, and you choose. With love, courage and compassion.

If you're feeling like you're constantly fighting, pushing, pleasing, controlling or holding everything together, perhaps it's time to come home to yourself. This is the work I love doing with people — creating space to slow down, reconnect with yourself, understand what's happening beneath the surface, and consciously choose how you want to move forward.

If you'd like some support on that journey, you can book a 1:1 experience with me here, or join me at an upcoming women's circle. Link to book. 

Peace and love, Toni xx