Are you putting yourself last in Line?
We're often taught that being a good person means being helpful.
Be polite. Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be available. Be understanding.
Put others first. Be the person everyone can rely on. And there's nothing wrong with any of those things.
As a leader, we want our team to be happy and supported.
As a mum, we want our children to be safe and thriving.
As a wife, we want our partner to feel loved.
As a daughter, we want to be there for our parents.
As a friend, we want the people we love to know they can count on us.
We want everyone to be happy, healthy and to have a good life.
And somewhere along the way, it can become very easy to believe:
If I am good enough, helpful enough, kind enough, needed enough… then I will be loved, accepted and valued.
So we say yes when we really want to say no. We give when we're already running on empty. We take responsibility for other people's feelings. We change our plans. We put our dreams on hold. We keep the peace. We make ourselves smaller, quieter or more accommodating so that everyone else can be okay. And sometimes we don't even realise we're doing it.
Because people pleasing doesn't always look like weakness.
Sometimes it looks like being incredibly capable. The woman who remembers everything. The leader who carries everything. The mum who makes sure everyone else has what they need. The wife who keeps the household moving. The daughter who is always there. The friend who will drop everything. The person everyone knows they can rely on.
But there is a question worth asking: If we continually put everyone else first, where do we stand in the line?
Last. And perhaps that's what people pleasing slowly teaches us to do.
Put everyone else's needs, happiness and expectations ahead of our own, until we find ourselves at the very back of the queue for our own life. And then we wonder why our dreams feel so far away. Why we don't have the energy to start that business. Why we never make time for our creativity. Why our health keeps getting pushed to tomorrow. Why we feel disconnected from ourselves. Why the things we say we really want somehow keep getting put on hold.
Sometimes it isn't because we aren't capable of achieving our goals. It's because we've placed ourselves last in line.
Your dreams need somewhere to live.
And that requires time, energy, attention and space. Every time you say yes to something, you're also saying no to something else. Your time, energy and attention are finite. So if you're continually saying yes to everyone else's priorities, there may simply be very little left for your own.
This is where boundaries become so important. Boundaries aren't about pushing people away. They aren't about becoming selfish, cold or uncaring. And they certainly don't mean you love your people any less.
A boundary can simply say:
I love you, and I also need to honour myself.
I can support you without carrying everything for you.
I can be kind without saying yes to everything.
I can disappoint someone without believing I've done something wrong.
I can choose what's right for me, even when it isn't what someone else wanted.
And perhaps most importantly:
I don't have to earn love by abandoning myself.
Because you are one of the people you are responsible for caring for.
Your health matters. Your energy matters. Your time matters. Your happiness matters. Your purpose matters. Your dreams matter.
And when you begin to create healthy boundaries, you're not taking something away from the people you love. You're creating the space to bring more of you to the life you are building with them. Sometimes the life we dream about doesn't require us to work harder. It requires us to create the space to actually live it.
That might mean saying no to something that drains you. It might mean protecting an evening for yourself. It might mean asking for help. It might mean allowing someone else to be disappointed. It might mean no longer being available for every request. It might mean choosing your health, your business, your creativity, your relationship, your spirituality or your own wellbeing.
Not because you don't love the people around you. But because your life is yours too.
A little self-reflection to journal on this week.
- Where have I been placing myself last in line?
- What am I continually saying yes to that I actually want to say no to?
- What dream, goal or part of myself has been waiting at the back of the line?
- If I gave my own needs the same consideration I give everyone else's, what might change?
- What is one boundary I could create this week that would give me more time, energy or freedom to move towards the life I want?
Don't judge your answers. Just notice. Because awareness is where change begins. You don't have to become less kind or stop caring. Perhaps you simply need to learn that you can love people deeply without losing yourself in the process.
Your dreams deserve a place at the table too.
And sometimes, the most loving thing you can say is: “I can't do that.” So that you finally have the energy to say yes to the life you're here to create. If you're ready to stop putting yourself last and create more space for the life you truly want, I'd love to help you take that next step.
Peace and love, Toni xx