Social Anxiety

My biggest nemesis is myself when it comes to social anxiety. I had vowed to be friendlier, but I wasn’t. I let myself down, I wasn’t in the mood to be social, I am shy naturally, I didn’t want to put myself out there to be judged by new people. We were camping, and I didn’t say ‘Hello’ to the family opposite us, at all, for 2 whole days. I let my bad mood and my lack of confidence take over, I tried to hide myself from others, it felt mean and sooo uncomfortable. It was self loathing I was feeling, and I didn’t realise until it was too late.

At first I was grumpy, then embarrassed, then totally awkward, then it had built up so much I felt like there was no point, we were not going to be friends anyway, so what did it really matter?

It did matter, it mattered to me because I had vowed to be friendlier, because I want to be a better person, make the world a safer and friendlier place. It had became a belief of mine pretty much over night, that friendly people are better than me.

I know this is not true, I know that some people are just chatty, I know that some people have no personal boundaries at all and so talking to complete strangers is ok for them. I know that some people are naturally confident and social butterflies.

Sometimes I am that amazing, friendly, confident, chatty, social butterfly. When I am in the right mood for it, sometimes I am not. This lack of social interaction consumed me for the 2 days we were there and it took me a while to actually figure out why I was feeling so bad about myself.

I WAS ASHAMED!

I couldn’t muster the confidence or intention to have a chat with our fellow campers, I smiled and waved, then they made the effort to speak, and I still felt awkard, embarrassed and ashamed.

What I figured out after 2 days of this social anxiety ruining my weekend was that I needed time and space to myself, I wanted to spend this time with my family, I didn’t want to make new friends, which is actually ok and acceptable to me, but it really wouldn’t have cost me anything more than a minute to reach out and have a quick chat. I would have felt better, more confident in myself, to feel free to sit across the road and be myself and by myself.

Today I know, I understand, I forgive myself as best I can, I accept myself, I love myself for who I am, the perfectly imperfect human being. It feels better now that I understand, but I will try to be friendlier in the future.

I was TESTED, I had to learn it again, my patterns of behaviour, my limiting beliefs, my overwhelming emotions, my anxiety showed up as an awkwardness, a lack of confidence, an uncomfortableness in my body and soul. I felt lost and confused, my normal routines and tools out the window during this time, I hadn’t prioritised myself and my need for connection to my inner spirit.

WHAT I learnt?

We will always be tested.

Come back to myself. Create Stillness Within.

When I feel uncomfrotable, sit in stillness, ask myself, why do I feel this way?

What is going on that is obvious that I need to address, what is the emotion I am feeling and why?

Ask myself, what do I need right now to make me feel safe in myself, and safe in the world?

Create Stillness Within.

Peace and Love, Toni